seeing it through my eyes

no one ,not even myself, really understood what had happened to me years ago. I always had the sense that it was my fault, all of it. Every last mistake was because of me. I had been able to talk about the event before, but not until recently had i actually cried about it. it was not abuse nor neglect nor rape. But it broke my heart. Every thing i had in that friendship, everything i had put on the line, was taken away from me. i fell and today i still bare bruises. I always told myself it was my fault, i shouldn't have messed up, i was a jealous friend who couldn't get over herself. & somehow when i told myself this I felt that everything that had happened to me was because of me, and it was okay. I never really realized that what had happened was pretty over-the-top. I have a friend that is going through what i had gone through. & even though people may talk badly about her, i'm still always there for her, at least i try to be. I guess i finally got the memo that what had happened to me was wrong, and i never fully looked at it with my own eyes. I didnt get this from my parents, i didn not get it from my friends, i got it from analyzing and talking about what i had gone through and seeing it for myelf with my own reactions and feelings. It may have been 3 years ago or maybe even more, maybe i should be over it by now....but for a 12 to 13 year-old girl to go through losing her friend and a second family really hurts. especially when it was by choice and blame on the girl being left behind. I was blamed for being abandoned, it was my fault that i was depressed and it was my fault that my best friend wasn't there for me. BUT IT WASNT. i still cry, i still feel heartbreak. i think about my family i had once and wonder if they know how much they hurt me. i wonder if they think about or ask themselves if what they did was right.....i miss them, but i going to move on even though my broken heart isnt mending.